Things I'll Never Say
by xxboakwonxx
Summary: Dean keeps telling him that he loves him, but Castiel never says it back. He’s not sure how he can tell, how he can show it. But Castiel knows that he has to show Dean his affection somehow.


**Title:** Things I'll Never Say

**Pairing:** Dean Winchester x Castiel

**Rating:** T+

**Format key:** Plain text – Present, _Italic text – Flashback_.

**Info:** Dean keeps telling him that he loves him, but Castiel never says it back. He's not sure how he can tell, how he can show it. But Castiel knows that he has to show Dean his affection somehow.

**Video link:** www. youtube .com/watch?v=ubHT9E5eLgU&feature=channel

* * *

"You know what, Cas?"

"No Dean. When it comes to you, I don't know."

I gave him a strange look, and Castiel sighed in apology and defeat.

"I'm sick to death of saying it, and not hearing it back." My voice sounded stronger than I felt, which was good. I wanted him to know that I was serious, that this was hurting me.

Castiel's cheeks turned red and he couldn't look me in the eye. "Why is it so important that you hear it?" He asked, looking back over at me. I looked at him like he was brain-dead, and kept my mouth shut.

*

_I watched in awe as Cas' fists repeatedly punched into Alastair's borrowed face. Just as Castiel was going to send him crawling back to hell, the old man opened his mouth, and spoke._

"_Acting tough isn't going to show your God that what you've got happening isn't wrong." Castiel's eyes went huge, like saucers, and he stopped in his tracks. I knew the feeling exactly. How did that demonic scum know? At least he had the tact to keep it between the three of us, and didn't spout out names for Sam to hear._

*

"You know... it's not that you're not worth it." Castiel murmured to me as I walked in circles around him.

"Then prove it." I said, my back to him, shaking my head. Castiel stayed silent for a moment before replying.

"I don't know how. I've never felt before, Dean." He looked at the ground in silence.

I tried to think of what to say to that as memories of him by my bedside in the hospital rushed over me. He visited me more than my own brother did, more than anyone other than those nosey doctors with the stupid needles.

"You don't know...?" I asked, my voice sounding as if it were holding in a laugh of disbelief.

"I'm sorry." And then he was gone.

*

As I turned the corner, I was shocked to nearly run over Cas. "Where the hell have you been?"

"I've been thinking," Castiel replied gently, "about what I want to say to you."

*

_When Castiel stopped pushing against Alistair, the demon took his chance to throw the Angel to the floor, and pin him there, cutting off the breath to his human body. I searched quickly for something to hold onto and hit with at the same time, and happened across a crowbar. I brought it across the demon's face, and he backed up, getting to his feet, holding his face._

"_Go to hell." I spat._

*

"Do you recall when you kissed Anna?" He asked me quietly.

"...Yeah." The guilt that had come with that kiss flew back to me when he brought it up.

"I saw."

"I know." I whispered.

"It hurt me to see that." He explained.

"I know that! We've gone through this, I said I was sorry, and damn it, Cas, it hurts to think about!" I was on the verge of tears. Why the hell was he bringing _that_ up?

"Dean, that's not the point, you idiot." I looked at him, confused. He sighed. "Dean. I came here to tell you that I love you too."

I walked towards him. "When we were in that room...?"

"That's the first time I wanted to tell you, but never really knew if I was sure on it. Dean, in that room, that's when I wanted to hold you the closest, kiss you the hardest, and tell you that I love you." Castiel replied, and his eyes looked so sincere, like he meant every word coming out of his mouth times a thousand. "When was the first time you wanted to tell me?" He looked up at the sky, and then back at me playfully.

The memories of him flashed through my mind, as I tried to decide the very first time that I knew I loved this joker. "I told you when I first realized I love you."

*

"_I've come back to help you. Screw orders." My eyes went wide as he said this._

"_You came back for me?"_

"_I couldn't leave you behind." His voice was so soft. He paced around me, "You didn't think after what we've been through, I'd leave you here?"_

"_I kinda did." I replied, staring at him. "You always follow orders." He looked to the floor. "Look... I didn't mean for that to sound so mean. But you know what I mean." He looked up at the floor in acknowledgment. "I love you, Cas."_

"_Let's... get you out of here." I stared at him in wait._


End file.
